It seems more and more people are talking about twin flames recently. Most of us have heard the term ‘soulmate’ before and probably have a rough idea of what it means, however twin flame leaves a little more to the imagination.
As I have been doing readings the topic of twin flames has come up time and time again, as it relates to relationships this is the area I’m most asked about.
There are many different definitions and perspectives on what exactly a twin flame is, and so it can be difficult to answer in a way that will be clear for everyone.
However in this article I want to go over what my perspective on twin flames is, and how they differ from the more common unhealthy bonds.
So, what is a Twin Flame anyway?
Before we dive into the difference between a twin flame and unhealthy bond, I think it would be helpful to go over some basic definitions.
Soulmate relationships are ones where we have an instant recognition with someone. I like to say we come home, to a shared base that is familiar. One of the key distinctions of a soulmate connection is a sense of overwhelming calm and comfort.
There isn’t the usual heightened excitement or anxiety that comes with other first meetings. Meeting a soulmate is like coming back to an old friend. Despite never meeting someone in this lifetime, feeling like you’ve known them forever.
Twin flames are said to be one soul incarnated in two separate bodies. When these two selves come together they are said to be perfect mirrors for each other: giving each other a clear view of where each individual needs to heal & grow.
Contrary to meeting a soulmate, when we meet our twin flame it is said to be intense. There is a heightened sense of excitement and enthusiasm at meeting the other half of our soul.
Twin Flame Pitfalls
Spiritual topics and language are becoming all the more popular, you can find tarot readings and astrological forecasts at the click of a button now. However this means that misinformation and marketing are rife.
Many people are attracted by the idea of finding their twin flame or soulmate, but quickly become obsessed and allow this pursuit to overshadow everything else. Rather than aligning yourself in such a way that whatever is right for you will come, you go searching for someone who fits a certain description.
In the readings I do it’s common to see people who find themselves in extremely unhealthy relationships with loose boundaries, mistaking this dynamic for a twin flame or karmic partner.
Fantasy + Projection
When you have basic knowledge of spirituality but not the practical daily application of it, it’s very easy to get caught up in mental projections. When our energy isn’t well contained, we tend to see ourselves in others – but in an unhealthy way. We connect on the level of trauma not healing.
Our aura is wide open, we have loose boundaries, we don’t know how to ground ourselves, and then someone comes along who we have a strong but unstable bond with. It’s very easy to mistake this initial connection for something else.
When we are obsessing over finding a twin flame, soulmate or any other type of ‘spiritual relationship’, it’s less likely that we’ll find these connections and more likely we’ll find someone who can act out this fantasy or projection with us.
Many interpretations of the twin flame dynamic sound unhealthy in nature. Often implying a borderline abusive dynamic where two people are pocking and prodding each other, in order to grow and heal together.
Once again, if you haven’t developed strong boundaries or a sense of self, it can be difficult to identify what is healthy abrasion and what is an unhealthy back and forth. Most of the people I work with who believe the twin flame label applies fall into this category.
I see that the overall majority are not abusive but instead develop unhealthy bonds. They have no malicious intent but unconsciously obsess, project and latch onto someone who they think is their twin flame, even if that person isn’t good for them and vice versa.
The problem with seeing these spiritual relationships as just like home is that many of us were raised in unhealthy environments. A person who feels like home isn’t necessarily someone you want to be in a relationship with.
Finally there are supposed twin flame relationships that are very much teetering on abuse, or reflect an empath vs narcissist dynamic. I don’t think these are as common as more unconscious unhealthy bonds, but they are certainly worth mentioning.
The concept of a spiritual relationship and the unshakable bond that implies has always been misused by those who wish to exert their power. This is nothing new and not exclusive to the twin flame dynamic, however the increasing popularity does cause some concern.
Many of the lies someone might use to reel us into a controlling or abusive relationship mirror descriptions of twin flame connections.
The twin flame is someone who knows us inside out (knows what’s best for us), who has a deeper connection with us (childhood dynamics), someone who might push our boundaries (unhealthy back and forth) or claim that their love cannot be found elsewhere (isolating).
When there is one person misusing the idea of twin flames, and another who desperately wants to find their twin flame out of loneliness or anxiety…you have a recipe for disaster!
Spiritual connections vs unhealthy bonds
In my work I come across people who share a deeper bond, an unmistakable chemistry and familiarity. However most of the time they don’t even ascribe a specific label to their relationship, it just is what it is.
I find that those who are most obsessive with this search, tend to fall into the pitfalls outlined above. A real spiritual connection is one where a label isn’t necessarily needed, where the bond is acknowledged but not obsessed over.
When I see two people in love energetically, it looks like two intertwining force-fields that allow room for individual growth and exploration. There is a shared foundation but both people can support themselves.
When I see an unhealthy bond there is often a lot of cords around the third eye/mind area, representing fantasy & projection. I see two people tangled up in one another, and so when they attempt to create space it causes pain.
Building that foundation for yourself first allows you to discern when someone is distracting you from your base needs, and when they are supporting you in meeting them. It is never on the other person to be the one.
Any relationship framework can be used in an unhealthy or abusive manner, that goes without saying. I do believe the twin flame dynamic exists and is real, just not as common as you’d be led to believe.
With the prevalence of generalized tarot readings and relationships being the most popular topic, it’s common to see a lot of marketing there. Readings/healings that promise to bring you to your soulmate or twin flame are naturally enticing.
When I do readings I’m a lot less interested in what two people think of each other (what they might be projecting or assuming), and more in how they interact or sync up. How do two people attach on an energetic level and what unconscious patterns might be at play?
A relationship where two people are able to push and stretch each other, learn harsh lessons together and feel a deeper bond all while remaining conscious can be a beautiful thing.
Some spiritual connections aren’t meant to be found in this lifetime, and most of the time they come when we aren’t even looking! Ultimately these frameworks can be helpful, but they can also lead us to overanalyze and obsesses in ways that aren’t.
Instead doing the inner work, identifying where we still need to heal and keeping this in mind as we enter relationships, is the best way to approach romance.
What is your experience with the twin flame dynamic?